Just Some Wangs in a Box
by KinkyEyepatchShit
Summary: Just an extremely lulzy theory as to how Kamina got Kittan into that box in the second to last episode. So, SPOILERS FOR THE TIME SKIP, MAINLY THE LAST THREE EPISODES. First Gurren fic, proceed with your dicks out. M for language, R&R plz ;


Long Ass Author's Notes: My first and perhaps only Gurren Lagann fic. I usually write DOGS and South Park fics so please be gentle with my anus, its also been a long fucking time since I've written /emobutting. The perhaps part being because I had such a hell of a time finishing it and almost burst into tears when I DID finish. Kinda like those guys after orgasm. Anyway, **SPOILERS FOR THE TIME SKIP, MAINLY THE LAST THREE OR SO EPISODES**

As Kittan, Kidd, and those other assholes of the Dai-Gurren burst forth from that box in that really gay moment where Kamina and Old!Douche!Simon had their heart to heart, I wondered: how the fuck did Kamina get Kittan into that box. And so, this was born. Not the best but certainly not the worst, this is obviously not to be taken too seriously, and as always, was for the lulz.

As for the last two lines, I totally love Kamina/Simon, so plz to be removing yourself from my nuts.

Disclaimer: Gurren Lagann and these gaywads belong to Gainax or however the fuck it's spelled. I.e not me!

Before his eyes could see.

Before his lips could speak.

Before his fingers could feel.

Before his tongue could taste.

He heard a voice.

"Goddamn, _you too_? You bozo's sure know how ta pull off a cliché ending, dontcha?"

And it wasn't that of His Holy Angry Beard, the Creator Of All.

The response was automatic [ seven years drilled into his brain and cells and soul it was still like clock work]. "Shuddap, amateur 101! 'm surprised ya actually know what th'word means!" He snapped, springing upright like a jack-in-the-box.

Gray eyes peeled open to endless white and a familiar sneering face.

"Sure I know what it means, who the hell do you think I am! It's….uh….a fancy ass word…..for… explosion. Yeah. That's it." The badass leader of team Dai-Gurren huffed arrogantly and folded his arms across his bare chest, chin in the air, eyes closed, cutting a noble and heroic figure.

Kittan snorted. "Bzzzt, _wrong_! Go read a fuckin' dictionary, idiot. It means…..er….." his limbs seemed to be working well enough, since he was flailing and twisting his hands around trying to grasp at the meaning of the word. [but you can't take the lugheaded fighter out of the Chief of the Legal Affairs Bureau] "Whatever, it ain't important!" He scowled and peered at his companion through one squinted eye. "Besides, where's Gur-"

It hit him head on like a herd of wild, rambunctious pig moles.

"I'm talkin' ta a dead man, ain't I." He mused softly after a few seconds, face draining of all color, his hands dropping at his sides in defeat, a sickening weight sinking into the bottom of his stomach.

Kamina cocked his head to one side and smiled that crooked grin. "Well, well, that makes two of us, eh."

Following that statement there was a pause so pregnant and reflective it was bursting at the seams. Until Kamina posed a substantial inquiry. [To break the ice, you know how it goes.]

"So. How's that one sister of yours? The one with the huge rack." He raised his hands to his chest for emphasis and squeezed his fingers closed a few times as if sampling aforementioned bosom, grin so wide it'd split on anyone not Kamina.

Kittan's mouth dropped open, tongue battling over lips and teeth for some sort of response, red faced and nostrils flaring. "You…..I….wha…..fuckin'…" His hands balled into fists and before either his brain or mouth could catch up, he was running headlong at the other man, swinging a right hook meant to be mean as hell. "_You leave my sister outta this you son of a bitch!_"

But before it could connect with deadly [alright, merely stingingly hurtful, but at least he didn't punch like a fucking girl] force, Kamina side stepped, sending Kittan barreling forward into nothing with a yelp of surprise and dismay. He caught himself seconds from landing face-first and spun back around. "Eh?"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Kamina returned, heaving a sigh to the heavens [or wait space since this is heaven, ain't it? But he'd just come from space and just _what_]. "Seven years an' you're still the same."

"Yeah, well, _your face_!" Kittan retorted, stabbing a finger at the dead man.

Correction, _other_ dead man.

Kamina gave a low whistle. "Wow. Didja wait all this time ta tell me that one? Gotta say, 'm impressed. Come backs from the future, whoooo~" He wiggled his fingers in an entirely douche-y manner just to piss Kittan off. And it was working. Slightly.

Kittan visibly pouted, try as he might to hide the fat bottom lip and sullen scowl. "Shut th'hell up. My come backs'er amazing." Then as an after thought, he proudly added, "Kiyoh's married, yanno. Gotta kid too. Lil girl, named Anne." He refused to admit that he was admitting to the other man's comment about his sisters rack, as well as the fact that he just identified which sister Kamina was referring to by size.

Kamina visibly gawked. "No shit? Really? Aw, dammit." He released a deep seated sigh. "Who's the proud papa? Lemme guess….Iraak? No? Kidd? Naw, too scrawny, her type was more tough guys, right?" here he cut himself off in order to flex one arm, smirk widening cockily. "Let's see….Makken? Pft, she'd talk his head off. What aboooouuut….oh shit, don't tell me one of the twins. I fear for that kids' brains, even more than knowin' _you're_ related. Who else've we go-"

"Shut your goddamn pie hole before I do it with my fist, asshole!" Kittan cut in, shaking a fist. "I thought this dead guy gig was all knowin' all seein' but I guess that's bullshit, huh?" He really, really, _really_ hoped, deep down in his soul [unless whatever form he was in currently _was_ his soul, in which case, he was just really goddamn confused - not that that was anything new, even in the afterlife] that, above all else, the blue haired badass didn't see a Certain Event.

Kamina threw his hands up in the air in surrender, rolling his eyes. "Tch, keep your panties on, man. 'm just messin' with ya."

"Ain't got panties," Kittan snarled, suddenly towering [but in reality face to face] over Kamina, though Kamina couldn't be assed to put much thought into the other man's threatening aura.

"Anyway," Kamina continued, ignoring the other man's awkward social skills rivaling his own. "I need ya ta do something for me."

Kittan deflated and blinked once, twice, drawing a blank, utterly baffled by the rapid transition. "…..Whut." [Was the Prince of Gar always this ADD?]

Another sigh. These seemed to be frequent in the afterlife.

"I need you. Kittan. Ta get. In _here_." Kamina slowly repeated as if to a small child [which was basically the case more often than not] this time indicating a long, white box with intricate designs which glowed neon green under the bleak, gray light of wherever the fuck they were, vaguely familiar and radiating an eerie energy.

Kittan chose that moment to realize that, in the midst of arguing [and _winning_, goddammit], the scenery had substantially transformed.

They stood in what appeared to be a deep, endless valley, littered with thousands upon thousands of white boxes exactly like the one Kamina pointed to. [Coffins: crude, glowing, alien coffins] The sky was choked by gray clouds, the mist sinking down to the earth in a heavy fog, covering everything in ash gray light.

Kittan peered at the box. Then at Kamina's [barely controlled] patient expression [the man was starting to get a small tic in his left eye, _twitch_, _twitch_, _twitch_]. Then back at the box. Then at Kamina. This went on for a few minutes until he snapped.

"Get in the fuckin' box already! _Shit_. The fate of the universe an' all that good shit." Kamina urged, squeezing his hands into fists, imagining they were wrapped around Kittan's neck, and began to remember how much the other man pissed him off. [Happy reunion his ass.]

Kittan crossed his arms over his chest and scowled, eyeballing the box suspiciously. "An' tell me, just why th'hell should I do that? That's lame as shit. A _box_ is gonna help save th'human race? Besides, I don't gotta follow your orders." [no one ever said Kittan was anything but a natural skeptic, straight from the womb.]

"Don't ya wanna help out Simon an' the others?" The question spurned the desired result.

Kittan's stance went rigid, then, "Of course I do!" he bellowed, his face once again flushing impressive shades of anger. "How th'fuck could you even ask somethin' as stupid as that, dumbass? I'd do anything ta help that lot!"

"Then get in the damn box," Kamia all but ordered. "As your former boss an' badass, _intelligent_, clever, sexy an' all around amazing leader of the Dai-Gurren. I say get your sorry ass in there."

Kittan's upper lip curled with disdain. He stabbed a finger into the air and proclaimed, "First of all, you're a big fat goddamn liar. You ain't none of them things, least of all sexy." He flicked up a second finger. "Second of all, I ain't really got a second one, but whatever. And third of all," Kittan passed a critical eye along the box. "this scene looks pretty damn familiar. What's in th'box?"

Kamina smirked and ran a hand through his hair. "First of all, fuck _you_," he offered his comrade with his middle finger. "Second of all, you're retarded, but that's nothing we ain't already figured by now. An' third of all," his lips stretched into a secret grin, a wisdom Kittan hadn't noticed before shining in his eyes. "inside the box is a lil detour from the main plot. But not all detours are fillers, eh?"

He was rewarded with a dead panned stare. "What th'fuck are you blatherin' on about. Don't give me that cryptic bullshit."

"What I've been tryin' ta explain to ya for the past half an' hour, _dumbfuck_," Kamina hissed, pressing a palm against his forehead wearily [if heaven would allow it he would surely gain a ball splitting headache by now]. "is that this is gonna _help Simon_. We just gotta give him one more shove in the right direction."

Kittan's shoulders sagged and released a sigh with a loud _whoosh_, most of the fight leaving him like a spontaneous boner. "Whatever, 'm tired of arguin' with your ugly mug back an' forth an' back an' forth yadda yadda. If ya say this'll help, then I got no reason ta doubt ya [even if you're a moron]." He bravely started for the box and Kamina found himself nearly weeping with joy. [in a totally manly way, of course.] "All I wanted ta do was enjoy my afterlife with some pretty ladies an' famous dead people but nooooooo," he halfheartedly bitched.

The eerily glowing designs burst into golden beams as soon as Kittan touched the surface, a front panel opened into a lid, and Kittan was rendered speechless, mouth dropped open into the perfect shape of an 'O', eyes as wide as saucers. "Holy shit."

Kamina snickered upon spotting the baffled look on the other man's face and puffed out his chest, the very epitome of badassery. "Bein' dead an' badass has its perks. You'll see soon enough yourself, brah. Though there's no way ya could ever get as badass as me."

With a wordless nod, proving that the blond did not even register the insult, Kittan cautiously maneuvered one leg into the box, and just as he was about to shut the lid [Kamina muttered a soft _thank fuck_, _finally_], he had one more bone to pick with the former but always badass leader.

"Sooooo…you an' Simon. When ya were alive. Did ya'll…..have one of them gay things goin' on? Not that 'm not okay with that, jus' yanno, a friend wonderin' about another friend's possible boner that could end up benefittin' me in an indirect nongay way. Yanno how it goes."

Kamina sneered ever so sweetly, eyes as hard as ice chips. "Soooo, you an' Yoko. Makin' a move on my girl when ya know her man's been long gone an' you're not gonna make it this time, eh? One last ditch attempt at getting' some poontang? An' how, for all eternity, 'm gonna punch ya in the dick? Yanno know it goes."

They stared into each others eyes for what seemed like hours.

"Gettin in th'box now."

"That's the best idea you've had in _years, shithead." _


End file.
